Dear America

Dear America,

First of all let me start with a thank you for tolerating Lisa Lobe long enough for her to come out with that one song because I’m listening to it now and I am ROCKIN’ out. Anyhoo, what the fuck is up? I don’t know if we have formally met, but regardless I’m a little concerned about the path you’re choosing for yourself. Fear not U.S. of A. however, for I am your savior. Consider me your personal life coach. I’ll try my very best to point out everything you’re doing wrong and see what I can’t do to fix it. Here’s the first problem I have with you: Dancing with the Stars.

Apparently I missed the memo that crappy television series are all the rage among our citizens. I’m sure most of you have heard of this show, but have you ever watched it? Consider yourself lucky. Now listen, America, this show is CRAP. Absolute garbage and I don’t know who allowed it to become a staple among the primetime line up, but who ever did should be hung from the Statue of Liberty by their genitals. Yes I realize this is a bit graphic but please hear me out.

So I turned on my television the other nights in hopes of numbing my tired mind and what is this blasphemy? My eyes burned, my soul broke into a thousand tiny shreds of hopelessness. And I’m pretty sure I heard the screams of thousands of babies and virgins burning in hell. Tragic, I know. What was on the television screen should not be spoken of but I feel I have the responsibility to share it with you. Images of Marie Osmand, Jane Seymour and a handful of other quasi celebrities I can’t name, dolled up and smiling like a bunch of mindless…people. It was horrifying. I didn’t know exactly what to do with myself so I watched these people dance for three judges, a studio audience, and any citizen with a television and a lack of taste. And you encourage this America? In the name of all that is holy WHY? So let me talk some sense into you before someone decides that letting Tyra Banks out of the looney bin and letting her coach young girls on the basics of modeling is a good idea for a television show...oh shit.

First off America, where do you get off judging these sad sacks that like to call themselves celebrities? I know almost certainly that almost three quarters of you have no idea how to dance, and therefore I’m pretty sure you have no idea what you’re talking about. Furthermore, what is this obsession you have with watching people being judged? It’s just repulsive, America. You should all be ashamed of yourself. Secondly I forgot about these “celebrities” for a reason. They are washed up for a reason. That reason being they suck. Sorry to be so blunt but you have to hear this sooner or later. These people don’t have anything more to offer pop culture. There is a place for people like this and its called “VH1’s top 100 Washed Up Celebrities Count Down” which will be airing all day every day for the next two weeks. Listen to this list of past contestants:

1. Jerry Springer (hosting a fake talk show isn’t his only talent…who knew?)
2. John O’Hurley (J. Peterman from Seinfeld…you mean that wasn’t his name?)
3. Wayne Newton (I’m not kidding)
4. Joey Fatone (because we didn’t get the point the first time around…Nsync)
5. Vivica A. Fox (That’s a convenient name)
6. Billy Ray Cyrus (insert achey breaky heart joke here)

So look, America, I love ya. But we’re going to have to work on this whole Dancing with the Stars bit. It’s obnoxious and painful and I just can’t take it anymore. So before I act like a baby and head out, I’ll leave you with this tasty little treat…

Giddy up Marie…Lord save us all.

Keep your head on straight America, and we’ll talk again soon.

Yours,

Stokes