Dear America...sorry we haven't spoken in a while,

...Forgive me for the tardiness of this letter. You know how inconvenient technology can be at times...but now that order has been restored to my computer I bring you the much anticipated next installment of Dear America...

Dear America,

How the heck are ya? I’ve spent the last few days thinking about what we should chat about this time around, I have no life and this is my only source of entertainment, so I’ve been racking my brain for quite some time. Anyway I bounced a few ideas around in my head, none of which went anywhere. But low and behold I turn on my television and inspiration comes pouring in. You never cease to let me down America and here it goes. The oh so posh American Music Awards…why?

Yes ladies and gentlemen the American Music Awards are the single most embarrassing thing I have ever witnessed and I can’t imagine that all of you find this music enjoyable. But apparently you do because from what I understand this is the first year that you all have been able to choose the winners. Let me set the stage for you in case you missed this spectacle.

We open with Jimmy Kimmel? Is that his name I have no idea. Anyway apparently he’s been hosting the show for the last few years…really America, you can’t find anyone but this guy? This guy. And what is he doing? He’s sucking. What you expected something spectacular…my apologies.

First of all we have break out artist…someone or another. Best country band/duo is the second award presented…we’ve covered country music…its sinful. Then we have Avril La-who gives a shit performing some ridiculous song with a pink microphone. Seriously, Avril, I get, it you’re angry. But do we have to wear so much eye makeup? It’s disturbing at best.

eek.

Now the next award is probably the best part of the show. Justin Timberlake wins best male artist and he’s on tour, so he can’t attend. But, we have the privilege still being able to hear his acceptance speech via satellite, thank you technology. Consider yourself lucky Mr. Timberlake. I would hate to see you among these sad people dolled up for disappointment. You my friend deserve better. Congrats to our friend Justin for winning and narrowly escaping humiliation. Well played Timberlake (if this whole Jessica Biel thing doesn’t work out, call me, boo).

Next up best soundtrack…the nominees are Dream Girls, Hairspray, and High School Musical 2. Well certainly this high school musical mess couldn’t win. High school was bad enough why make it a musical…oh you’re shitting me. They won. America…I have no words. I could cry. This is a disaster. What is the deal with you people? Don’t you understand this music is garbage? I don’t really know what else to say. You don’t seem to understand that this is just crap. You deserve so much better. We are a country of choices, pride, ideas, freedom and all that other crap we learned about in American History our junior year of high school, minus the choreographed song, dance numbers and sparkly get-upsHHIHhhsdfasdf. You realize there is better music out there right? You realize you don’t have to like what’s on the radio…its okay. I understand cooperate America is shoving this crap down your throat but you people have the right to stand up and say "NO MORE." Exercise your rights as Americans to make a choice. That choice being to listen to quality music. Hell, I could write pop music. Actually, scratch that, I’m way too cynical.

HOLD THE PHONE…okay you know we’ve established our opinion of country music. We haven’t mentioned our undying love for Beyonce. She’s everything I hope to be and more in my next life. And her music is pretty awesome, I’m not gonna lie. Now these two things should never be mixed but again America you have gone above and beyond. Country music stars of Sugarland come on stage to perform “Irreplaceable”. Now I’m thinking this is some bullshit country song about not being able to replace the dog that died last week but no it’s Beyonce’s own famous “Irreplaceable” (to the left to the left…you know what I’m talking about) I blacked out for about 20 seconds. Just when my eyes start to go back into focus and I think this debacle is all over...Beyonce, in all her sparkely glory, comes on stage and performs along with the yodeling and accordion playing bunch of loonies. This is unforgivable America. This I cannot forget. It’s burned into my memory, ouch. You did however make things right in the world again by giving Beyonce the International Artist Recognition award. I really enjoyed the Beyonce accomplishment montage. I laughed, I cried, I vomited all over myself in happiness. Beyonce truly deserves this award. Do it girlfriend.

That little glimmer of hope soon fades away as the show progresses. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but someone allowed Celine Deon on stage to perform what I can only guess is the first release off her new album. You’re right, Faye, she could use a cheeseburger. Celine you are officially my arch nemesis. Killer legs though, girl. Can’t believe I just said that. She belts out “what do you say taking chances, what do you say jumping off the edge?” Well as long as it’s you jumping off the edge of a cliff, I’d say right on girlfriend.

Now I could go on and on about what you try to pawn off as respectable music, but this post is already too long and I don't want to offend you, we've only just met. Let me buy you dinner first. We’ll have a few drinks and make a few bad decisions, it’ll be great. Anyway, the truth is that for the handful of crap that floods the airwaves day in and day out, there are a few exceptions. There is talent out there. Some people who actually deserve the awards they received Sunday night. I’m not going to go into that now though because that’s not the point of this (and it’s not as much fun). I’ll leave you to digest all this information. Take it all in, enjoy it. I’ll keep my eyes open for the subject of my next post but until then keep your head on straight, America, we’ll talk again soon.

Yours,

Stokes