Top Ten List

So I’m about to do something stereotypical, but I think I’m allowed to have one of those moments, mainly because I’m a girl. I’m making a top ten list of the hottest men IN THE WORLD. I’ve sweat profusely, shed blood, and lost at least 30 pounds just to put this son of a gun together. So here it is, way more important than People’s 50 Sexiest Men of The Year…

Faye’s Top Ten Hottest Men of The Current Moment (in no particular order):

1. Johnny Depp. He may be over 40, but who really gives a rat’s ass. When I see (or think of) this man, I spontaneously break out into orgasms. It’s weird, I can’t explain it. But it must just mean that he is H-O-T. What do I not love about him? He can play anything from a pirate (Pirates of the Carribean) to a really strange, odd kid (Benny and Joon) to a freakshow (Edward Scissorhands). I’ll agree though that Edward Scissorhands isn’t his best look…I’m not really into guys with sharp objects for a hand.

2. Brandon Boyd. Yeah he was cool in 1996 and he STILL is. Well, I don’t know what recent material that man has to give me, but as long as I can look at him I’m totally down with it. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but he’s even hot with dreadlocks. Yes ladies and gentleman, the man can even pull off pieces of poop coming out of his head for hair. But thank god those days are over. Look Brandon, give me a call sometime, let’s do lunch and recite poetry, it’ll be fabulous.

3. Zac Hanson. I’ve had a crush on you for ten years. You’re even more beautiful now than you were at 4’11”. You just got your wife preggers. I’m mad at you right now, we’ll have to get back to you later. Still looking gorgeous as ever though, boyfriend.

4. Locksley. Ok so technically I’m naming four guys off here, but just hear me out. Very rarely does a good band come along where all the members are all, aside from being talented, good looking. Props to you guys for making badass tunes and looking refreshingly handsome while doing so. I’m pretty sure that the angels in heaven all sing in a glorious chorus whenever they see Sam’s face. How precious can you get? For reals. Kai, well, who doesn’t think he’s a sexy beast? Look at him and then tell me you don’t love that face…JUST TRY. Jesse…aside from being a badass in general, has amazing hair, and seriously seductive brown eyes. Yeah, I said it. And I think people just melt when they see Aaron. I just want to squeeze him.

5. The Avett Brothers. Again, technically I am naming two guys here, but again, hear me out. Not only do they make the most honest, genuine, unique tunes around, and are brothers, but they both make me cringe in delight. Too bad Scott’s married. Damn you. But that sure don’t make him any less gorgeous y’all! Um that was weird, Britney Spears’s voice just totally took over me. Anyway, Seth Avett. I’ve decided that I want to have his babies. And I will, New Years Eve night when I see them in concierto.

6. Brad Pitt. Yeah, yeah I know. What list is this man NOT on? But I can’t help it, his face is just so gorgeous and proportional. His sense of style is sharp as a steak knife (that’s pretty sharp). And he ages like a God. Now, if only he had some sense in him (leaving Jen Anniston was NOT smart). Oh well, you can’t be the world’s sexiest AND smartest man, I guess.

7. Vince Vaughn. Yes, you are awkwardly tall, but it only makes me like you more. Your ingenious sense of humor makes me giggle in delight every time you grace us with an appearance in TV or movies. I do think you’re probably on my very top list of “Men I’d Marry in a Heartbeat”. Coming soon to a blog near you.

8. Bill Murray. Need I say more? You may be older than my dad, but that totally doesn’t matter.

9. Justin Timberlake.I absolutely used to think you were a douche, but low and behold, you’ve changed my mind. I think it was the dance moves. Oh, and thank little baby Jesus you got those god awful pube curls out of your head, that was NOT a good look for you J-dog.

10. George Clooney. I’m sorry, I had to. I just can’t resist his scruffy good looks. I’ll watch any movie he is in, even if it’s called “Ocean’s 25”. But still, let’s hope they’re done with those.

So there ya have it ladies n’ gents, agree or disagree, but uh I’m pretty sure I’m right. Maybe I’ll even list some honorable mentions at a later date. That’s all for now folks!

Signing off,
Faye

Dear America, we come to you again today in this time of desperation

It’s been so long that we’ve decided to spring a few things on you…at once. Oh don’t cry America, you can handle it. After all you are currently juggling a war among many other things. So round two…go!...

Dear America,

We have yet another problem. I know, you probably think we complain too much. But as we stated before, we’re on your side, and just trying to give you a little tough lovin’. I think it would be beneficial to you at this point in your life. Afterall, you’ve had a rough past, especially childhood. Civil war, rape, religious persecution, slavery, I mean that can’t be easy for someone who was as young as you were at the time. Props for pulling through. For reals. Since your birth, the institution of marriage has been an important one, no doubt about it. But I’m not sure you are allowing it to wander in a very healthy direction. And when I say not healthy, I mean over half of your people are divorced or will be at some point in their lives. Depressing? Yeah, I know. And you could totes do something about it. I even come to you addressing this problem with the Reverend Al Green serenading you in the background…is it just me, or did this letter all of a sudden get sexier? Anyway, It’s so obvs where part of this little problem may stem from. For some odd reason, people think it’s a great idea to get married and start a family by age 21. Oh I’m sorry I’ll say it again…TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. Which according to you is the legal drinking age, but that’s a whole other issue we will discuss further at a later date which is currently undecided. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love? Nah didn’t think so, but he sure sounds Jewish. I realize that many of these marriages happen because of a bun in the oven, which probably was not intentional. But then again, many of these certificates of love do not happen for the fetus reason. These kids are young and in love, eh? Well try this idea…let’s sing our little hearts out about it instead of getting married! Oh wait we already do that, and pretty badly I may add. What’s the rush America? You are supposed to be with the person you’re whole life which assuming you live a long life is a LONG FRIGGIN TIME. Slow down America, breathe, take some time to get to know yourself and love yourself, then I’ll tell you that you can successfully love another person for the rest of your life. Maybe. Although there are exceptions to this problem, I think I have reached a pretty d at b (decent at best) solution. Let’s practice safe sex. No no, please don’t gasp. I know it’s a FABULOUS idea that you are so jel that you didn’t think of, but let’s give a go round and see how it does. That way so many youngins won’t be forced into the sacred institution of marriage out of pure guilt…and then quickly terminate it when they realize that they would rather live in a dark closet alone than with who they “chose”. Ready-set-go!...

Until next time,

Faye

P.S. Stokes and I are totally setting you up on a date – we really think you and Somalia would make a cute couple. Call me later for deets.

Dear America...sorry we haven't spoken in a while,

...Forgive me for the tardiness of this letter. You know how inconvenient technology can be at times...but now that order has been restored to my computer I bring you the much anticipated next installment of Dear America...

Dear America,

How the heck are ya? I’ve spent the last few days thinking about what we should chat about this time around, I have no life and this is my only source of entertainment, so I’ve been racking my brain for quite some time. Anyway I bounced a few ideas around in my head, none of which went anywhere. But low and behold I turn on my television and inspiration comes pouring in. You never cease to let me down America and here it goes. The oh so posh American Music Awards…why?

Yes ladies and gentlemen the American Music Awards are the single most embarrassing thing I have ever witnessed and I can’t imagine that all of you find this music enjoyable. But apparently you do because from what I understand this is the first year that you all have been able to choose the winners. Let me set the stage for you in case you missed this spectacle.

We open with Jimmy Kimmel? Is that his name I have no idea. Anyway apparently he’s been hosting the show for the last few years…really America, you can’t find anyone but this guy? This guy. And what is he doing? He’s sucking. What you expected something spectacular…my apologies.

First of all we have break out artist…someone or another. Best country band/duo is the second award presented…we’ve covered country music…its sinful. Then we have Avril La-who gives a shit performing some ridiculous song with a pink microphone. Seriously, Avril, I get, it you’re angry. But do we have to wear so much eye makeup? It’s disturbing at best.

eek.

Now the next award is probably the best part of the show. Justin Timberlake wins best male artist and he’s on tour, so he can’t attend. But, we have the privilege still being able to hear his acceptance speech via satellite, thank you technology. Consider yourself lucky Mr. Timberlake. I would hate to see you among these sad people dolled up for disappointment. You my friend deserve better. Congrats to our friend Justin for winning and narrowly escaping humiliation. Well played Timberlake (if this whole Jessica Biel thing doesn’t work out, call me, boo).

Next up best soundtrack…the nominees are Dream Girls, Hairspray, and High School Musical 2. Well certainly this high school musical mess couldn’t win. High school was bad enough why make it a musical…oh you’re shitting me. They won. America…I have no words. I could cry. This is a disaster. What is the deal with you people? Don’t you understand this music is garbage? I don’t really know what else to say. You don’t seem to understand that this is just crap. You deserve so much better. We are a country of choices, pride, ideas, freedom and all that other crap we learned about in American History our junior year of high school, minus the choreographed song, dance numbers and sparkly get-upsHHIHhhsdfasdf. You realize there is better music out there right? You realize you don’t have to like what’s on the radio…its okay. I understand cooperate America is shoving this crap down your throat but you people have the right to stand up and say "NO MORE." Exercise your rights as Americans to make a choice. That choice being to listen to quality music. Hell, I could write pop music. Actually, scratch that, I’m way too cynical.

HOLD THE PHONE…okay you know we’ve established our opinion of country music. We haven’t mentioned our undying love for Beyonce. She’s everything I hope to be and more in my next life. And her music is pretty awesome, I’m not gonna lie. Now these two things should never be mixed but again America you have gone above and beyond. Country music stars of Sugarland come on stage to perform “Irreplaceable”. Now I’m thinking this is some bullshit country song about not being able to replace the dog that died last week but no it’s Beyonce’s own famous “Irreplaceable” (to the left to the left…you know what I’m talking about) I blacked out for about 20 seconds. Just when my eyes start to go back into focus and I think this debacle is all over...Beyonce, in all her sparkely glory, comes on stage and performs along with the yodeling and accordion playing bunch of loonies. This is unforgivable America. This I cannot forget. It’s burned into my memory, ouch. You did however make things right in the world again by giving Beyonce the International Artist Recognition award. I really enjoyed the Beyonce accomplishment montage. I laughed, I cried, I vomited all over myself in happiness. Beyonce truly deserves this award. Do it girlfriend.

That little glimmer of hope soon fades away as the show progresses. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but someone allowed Celine Deon on stage to perform what I can only guess is the first release off her new album. You’re right, Faye, she could use a cheeseburger. Celine you are officially my arch nemesis. Killer legs though, girl. Can’t believe I just said that. She belts out “what do you say taking chances, what do you say jumping off the edge?” Well as long as it’s you jumping off the edge of a cliff, I’d say right on girlfriend.

Now I could go on and on about what you try to pawn off as respectable music, but this post is already too long and I don't want to offend you, we've only just met. Let me buy you dinner first. We’ll have a few drinks and make a few bad decisions, it’ll be great. Anyway, the truth is that for the handful of crap that floods the airwaves day in and day out, there are a few exceptions. There is talent out there. Some people who actually deserve the awards they received Sunday night. I’m not going to go into that now though because that’s not the point of this (and it’s not as much fun). I’ll leave you to digest all this information. Take it all in, enjoy it. I’ll keep my eyes open for the subject of my next post but until then keep your head on straight, America, we’ll talk again soon.

Yours,

Stokes

If only...

If i were in a band, i'd totally play the glockenspiel. No ifs, ands, or butts about it.

More Dear America coming soon, so get your panties out of that waud.

With much sincerity,
Faye

Dear America Pt.2

Dear America,

What's up girlfriend? Now that we are slowly on the road to recovery, i believe i'll take it upon myself to begin explaining to you the next problem that we must approach. Can you guess what it is? I know, there are so many things you suck at, there is no way you'll guess...okay i'll tell you....it's the Country Music. Actually, it doesn't even deserve to be capitalized, so let me fix that, it's the country music. Now, there is no easy way for me to tell you this, but i consider us to be total BFF'S and honesty is the best policy in any relationship.

As a girl who has grown up in the deep south, i have experienced this problem first hand. And i think i may be semi-retarded from it. We must act now to save the innocent children. I'm quite aware to the fact that anyone can make it in this so-called business, heck, even Australians (with man highlights) are immigrating over here and taking over it. NOT cool. We don't want those foreigners over here taking our money, right?! I'm also having a problem with the variety of songs. There is none. If i write a short anecdote about a someone, preferably a child, dying of cancer, or a wife who gets abused by her husband and that poor innocent child of theirs has to see it, or even a short little ditty about how cowgirls can ride me all night long...do you think i can "make it" too? Oh, i forgot one thing, the accent. What if i really exaggerate my southern accent even though i may hail from Seattle, Washington or...the North Pole?

He may be Australian but atleast he has an alcohol problem so that he can validated in the country music world!

What i'm saying, America, is that when this music is broadcasted for all to hear, it causes it's listeners or innocent bystanders to lose 1,000 braincells a minute on average. If we're going to take over the world like we're so smoothly doing (seriously, everyone LOVES the shit out of you America, you would totally win in a Country of the World Pageant) then we need all the brain cells we can get, right? So please, USA (is it okay if i call you that? i feel like we're really bonding), do your citizens a favor and pull the plug....on the country music.

Sealed with a loving hand on the shoulder,
Faye

Dear America

Dear America,

First of all let me start with a thank you for tolerating Lisa Lobe long enough for her to come out with that one song because I’m listening to it now and I am ROCKIN’ out. Anyhoo, what the fuck is up? I don’t know if we have formally met, but regardless I’m a little concerned about the path you’re choosing for yourself. Fear not U.S. of A. however, for I am your savior. Consider me your personal life coach. I’ll try my very best to point out everything you’re doing wrong and see what I can’t do to fix it. Here’s the first problem I have with you: Dancing with the Stars.

Apparently I missed the memo that crappy television series are all the rage among our citizens. I’m sure most of you have heard of this show, but have you ever watched it? Consider yourself lucky. Now listen, America, this show is CRAP. Absolute garbage and I don’t know who allowed it to become a staple among the primetime line up, but who ever did should be hung from the Statue of Liberty by their genitals. Yes I realize this is a bit graphic but please hear me out.

So I turned on my television the other nights in hopes of numbing my tired mind and what is this blasphemy? My eyes burned, my soul broke into a thousand tiny shreds of hopelessness. And I’m pretty sure I heard the screams of thousands of babies and virgins burning in hell. Tragic, I know. What was on the television screen should not be spoken of but I feel I have the responsibility to share it with you. Images of Marie Osmand, Jane Seymour and a handful of other quasi celebrities I can’t name, dolled up and smiling like a bunch of mindless…people. It was horrifying. I didn’t know exactly what to do with myself so I watched these people dance for three judges, a studio audience, and any citizen with a television and a lack of taste. And you encourage this America? In the name of all that is holy WHY? So let me talk some sense into you before someone decides that letting Tyra Banks out of the looney bin and letting her coach young girls on the basics of modeling is a good idea for a television show...oh shit.

First off America, where do you get off judging these sad sacks that like to call themselves celebrities? I know almost certainly that almost three quarters of you have no idea how to dance, and therefore I’m pretty sure you have no idea what you’re talking about. Furthermore, what is this obsession you have with watching people being judged? It’s just repulsive, America. You should all be ashamed of yourself. Secondly I forgot about these “celebrities” for a reason. They are washed up for a reason. That reason being they suck. Sorry to be so blunt but you have to hear this sooner or later. These people don’t have anything more to offer pop culture. There is a place for people like this and its called “VH1’s top 100 Washed Up Celebrities Count Down” which will be airing all day every day for the next two weeks. Listen to this list of past contestants:

1. Jerry Springer (hosting a fake talk show isn’t his only talent…who knew?)
2. John O’Hurley (J. Peterman from Seinfeld…you mean that wasn’t his name?)
3. Wayne Newton (I’m not kidding)
4. Joey Fatone (because we didn’t get the point the first time around…Nsync)
5. Vivica A. Fox (That’s a convenient name)
6. Billy Ray Cyrus (insert achey breaky heart joke here)

So look, America, I love ya. But we’re going to have to work on this whole Dancing with the Stars bit. It’s obnoxious and painful and I just can’t take it anymore. So before I act like a baby and head out, I’ll leave you with this tasty little treat…

Giddy up Marie…Lord save us all.

Keep your head on straight America, and we’ll talk again soon.

Yours,

Stokes

My heart will NOT go on, as in it will STOP.

Celine Dion.

Whenever she sings, a little piece of my soul dies. It's a miracle that i'm still alive, really. And yet somehow, this woman seems immortal. I swear to god she doesn't age. Or weigh more than 85 pounds at that. She was just given the "Legend" award at the World Music Awards, and has a...gasp!... highly anticipated (i'd like to know who's seriously anticipating this....and shake my head in disapproval at them orrr punch them in the face) album soon to be in stores called Taking Chances. Well, Celine, i dare YOU to take a chance, to take a chance to...well, eat a cheeseburger for one, and just leave us alone. For the love of god, just stay home and take care of your husband who must be nearing 90 years old now. Or maybe he never ages too? Must be a Canadian thing. So Jels.






EQUALS

Welcome to our sexy brains!....

Welcome to Semibadassville, USA. Sounds like a mouthful right? Well, it is. So we'll first introduce you to the two lovely ladies, then we'll get right to it, our daily lives...

STOKES...
This curly haired beaut enjoys the simple pleasures in life such as making fun of people at their own expense. Hey, that's what we're here for. Listens to Otis Redding, Al Green, and Marvin Gaye. All old, mostly dead, black men basically. But they sure did create some memorable tunes to tap a foot to. Personal motto: "Live simply, because it's too hard to be extraordinary". Wow, she really is all about simplicity.

FAYE...
This righteous babe enjoys, contrary to Stokes, the complicated and impossible things in life such as...quantum physics, biochemical engineering, and crop rotation for starters. Listens to Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, The Beatles, and The Velvet Underground. Obviously enjoys blind black musicians among many other genres. Go girlfriend. Personal motto: "What on God's green earth am i supposed to put here?"

So we are sitting in our local coffee shop "doing work", and naturally are surrounded by people here and there. To our far left, a couple consisting of an Asian man and caucasian woman (ah, political correctness, put a penny in the good deeds bucket.....what the hell does that mean? we don't know either). What the hell are they doing together? We don't know. He wouldn't even buy her coffee. Maybe he's Jewish too? Directly in front are two women with two young girls, probably about 8 or 9. They made the little girls go converse at a separate table so they could have privacy. Um...that's kind of dick. What do 8 year old girls with no means of resources except two plastic forks have to do? One actually just commented to her mother that she was bored - her response? "Quit your whining, you said you wanted to speak privately with [insert other little girl's name here]!" The little girl: "What? I didn't say that...". Lady, i don't even think your daughter knows what speaking privately IS, much less wants to engage in it. SO the girl who works here just offered the little tykes some markers - thank friggin' god. One of the moms suggests she draw a flower or a rainbow. Well you know what, we hope that she draws something sadistic and weird like a mouse being hunted by a cat. And that isn't even THAT bad. Oh and P.S. one of the young ladies is wearing a hideous leopard print pant with hot pink lace at the bottom. It appears her mother never left the 80's (we also conclude this by the way she herself looks, she's rocking the semi-mullet - HAWT!).