Dear America, we come to you again today in this time of desperation

It’s been so long that we’ve decided to spring a few things on you…at once. Oh don’t cry America, you can handle it. After all you are currently juggling a war among many other things. So round two…go!...

Dear America,

We have yet another problem. I know, you probably think we complain too much. But as we stated before, we’re on your side, and just trying to give you a little tough lovin’. I think it would be beneficial to you at this point in your life. Afterall, you’ve had a rough past, especially childhood. Civil war, rape, religious persecution, slavery, I mean that can’t be easy for someone who was as young as you were at the time. Props for pulling through. For reals. Since your birth, the institution of marriage has been an important one, no doubt about it. But I’m not sure you are allowing it to wander in a very healthy direction. And when I say not healthy, I mean over half of your people are divorced or will be at some point in their lives. Depressing? Yeah, I know. And you could totes do something about it. I even come to you addressing this problem with the Reverend Al Green serenading you in the background…is it just me, or did this letter all of a sudden get sexier? Anyway, It’s so obvs where part of this little problem may stem from. For some odd reason, people think it’s a great idea to get married and start a family by age 21. Oh I’m sorry I’ll say it again…TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. Which according to you is the legal drinking age, but that’s a whole other issue we will discuss further at a later date which is currently undecided. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love? Nah didn’t think so, but he sure sounds Jewish. I realize that many of these marriages happen because of a bun in the oven, which probably was not intentional. But then again, many of these certificates of love do not happen for the fetus reason. These kids are young and in love, eh? Well try this idea…let’s sing our little hearts out about it instead of getting married! Oh wait we already do that, and pretty badly I may add. What’s the rush America? You are supposed to be with the person you’re whole life which assuming you live a long life is a LONG FRIGGIN TIME. Slow down America, breathe, take some time to get to know yourself and love yourself, then I’ll tell you that you can successfully love another person for the rest of your life. Maybe. Although there are exceptions to this problem, I think I have reached a pretty d at b (decent at best) solution. Let’s practice safe sex. No no, please don’t gasp. I know it’s a FABULOUS idea that you are so jel that you didn’t think of, but let’s give a go round and see how it does. That way so many youngins won’t be forced into the sacred institution of marriage out of pure guilt…and then quickly terminate it when they realize that they would rather live in a dark closet alone than with who they “chose”. Ready-set-go!...

Until next time,

Faye

P.S. Stokes and I are totally setting you up on a date – we really think you and Somalia would make a cute couple. Call me later for deets.